A person whom had just met me and was just coming to a realization of the truth of the suffering in my life asked with a genuine heart one day, "What keeps you from curling up into the fetal position and staying there forever?"
Clearly he was speaking rhetorically, but it's still a bold question for anyone to ask, much more so from a new acquaintance. Though, remarkably, it didn't hit me as such when he asked. I was just numb enough to allow it to float over me. Only later, as I was mentally reviewing the conversation, did it strike me as odd. It got under my skin. It made me think. The Scripture passage "Be prepared to give an account for the hope that is within you," began to circulate interiorly.
Then, ironically, at Mass the next day, Father asked in his homily, "Where do you get the strength you need to live the life you have to live today?"
Yes, precisely where does my strength come from? How is it that I continued to get up everyday, taking care of my five young children and myself, the household, maintaining my relationships all while caring for my 38 year old husband who had been terminally ill with brain cancer for over two years? Why even today doesn't the fetal position occur to me? From where does the hope within me come?
All I can say is, the only thing that keeps me from falling apart is knowing that I am loved infinitely by a God who is so personal, so gracious, so human and real that being aware of his intimate gaze fills my heart with trust to follow him through this dark valley.
In this darkness I cannot see with my eyes what lies ahead, but I see with my heart that he is near. I hear with my soul the beating of his heart in love for me. I can trust him because he first loved me and labors at every second to make this more known to me.
No matter what, in Christ my Beloved, even if I find myself in the fetal position, as long as I am relating with all honesty the contents of my heart, and actively receiving in the silence of prayer, all is well. I will respond to this love with hope, even in the fetal position.
I will praise Him still ~ Psalm 77.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
Life
...is happening here. We've moved. Half our stuff is in one town and half in another. I'm struggling again with false responsibility thinking it's some how my job to not only manage every detail of our family life but to actually have a hand in accomplishing all tasks. HELLO! Jackie....remember the definition of insanity?
A friend once said this to me: "There are only two forms of stress. 1. Taking responsibility for things you're not responsible for and 2. Not taking responsibility for things that you are. And if you're doing one, you're doing both. Time to evaluate the activities of my day. Chances are I've got some changes to make. Is that why I've been biting the inside of my lower lip? Lord have mercy.
Another thing about life that's getting to me is my home state, South Dakota, is about to execute a man. Elijah Page brutally murdered his friend with the intent of robbing from him. He confessed to the crime and has asked to have his appeals stopped and be killed by the people of South Dakota via lethal injection. Does anyone see the contridiction this is with the bill the people of South Dakota just passed in the house and senate and had signed into law declaring that human life begins at conception therefore making virtually all abortions illegal? What is our responsibility as citizens of this great state under these circumstances?
A friend once said this to me: "There are only two forms of stress. 1. Taking responsibility for things you're not responsible for and 2. Not taking responsibility for things that you are. And if you're doing one, you're doing both. Time to evaluate the activities of my day. Chances are I've got some changes to make. Is that why I've been biting the inside of my lower lip? Lord have mercy.
Another thing about life that's getting to me is my home state, South Dakota, is about to execute a man. Elijah Page brutally murdered his friend with the intent of robbing from him. He confessed to the crime and has asked to have his appeals stopped and be killed by the people of South Dakota via lethal injection. Does anyone see the contridiction this is with the bill the people of South Dakota just passed in the house and senate and had signed into law declaring that human life begins at conception therefore making virtually all abortions illegal? What is our responsibility as citizens of this great state under these circumstances?
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
More...
Has this ever happened to you? In the middle of an emotional eating binge you have a moments clarity where you realize what you're doing and ask yourself, "What is it that I am desiring as I put my hand in this can of nuts (or spoon in this carton of ice cream or whatever...feel free to name your vice here) and then into my mouth?" I did this the other day when I (by GRACE... period) realized that at no point EVER would the time come when I didn't want another bite of whatever I was grazing on.
Do you know what my answer to the desire question was? More. All I wanted was more. And every bite after that first question was answered rendered the same response ...more....more...more (ok, it's late...I'm starting to sound like Billy Idol).
When I went to prayer later that day the word more kept running through my mind so as I related to the Father my desire for more the question that came back to me was, "More what or more Whom?" My desire is for the infinite and nuts, M&M's, ice cream etc. are not infinite therefore I will never be satisfied with them when all I want is MORE.
Jesus, you are the More of universe. You are the More I desire. You are the only More my emptiness craves.
What's in the more you're desiring?
Do you know what my answer to the desire question was? More. All I wanted was more. And every bite after that first question was answered rendered the same response ...more....more...more (ok, it's late...I'm starting to sound like Billy Idol).
When I went to prayer later that day the word more kept running through my mind so as I related to the Father my desire for more the question that came back to me was, "More what or more Whom?" My desire is for the infinite and nuts, M&M's, ice cream etc. are not infinite therefore I will never be satisfied with them when all I want is MORE.
Jesus, you are the More of universe. You are the More I desire. You are the only More my emptiness craves.
What's in the more you're desiring?
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Trust and Love
The rest will take care of itself!
"'Eye has not seen nor ear heard what God has prepared for those who love him.' And in the end, who needs specifics? What we do need is trust — trust in the full extent of God’s love for us. And from that trust in his love will come love in return — love that takes care and helps our neighbors to thrive."
~ Monsignor Dennis Clark, Ph.D.
"'Eye has not seen nor ear heard what God has prepared for those who love him.' And in the end, who needs specifics? What we do need is trust — trust in the full extent of God’s love for us. And from that trust in his love will come love in return — love that takes care and helps our neighbors to thrive."
~ Monsignor Dennis Clark, Ph.D.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Do you know...
where hope lives?
Hope lives in your heart's desire. Hope lives in the dreams you have for your future. Hope lives and can be resurrected, in my experience, when we experience freedom. Freedom is not doing whatever we want whenever we want. That's license and it's unfortunately standing in as an imposter for the real definition of freedom which is to know that which is good and that which is evil and to choose that which is good. To always seek to know the good and then to choose it is to experience true freedom. Only then when we are resting in that which is good are we able to go where hope lives.
I'll tell you my experience of discovering where hope resides. Maybe you've experienced this too. You know that for many years we lived beyond our means financially. We had stable income so we thought getting ahead of that first paycheck (and then a few more) was something from which we could easily recover. (I'm not going to harp on the reasons not to get into debt so you can keep reading.)
But what we didn't realize until we were out of it was how it limited our ability to dream. It limited our power to act in the world in such a discrete way that we didn't realize until we were out of debt and starting to build wealth for the first time in our marriage that we had stopped really dreaming. It wasn't others that came in and scoffed at our desires for the future, we just did it for ourselves because the mountain of obligations we had already made with our spending power made doing anything except paying bills seem impossible. We didn't even try to dream. But dreaming is where hope lives. If we can't dream we can't hope.
What's keeping you from dreaming? What are the desires of your heart? Discover that and you'll find out where hope lives.
Hope lives in your heart's desire. Hope lives in the dreams you have for your future. Hope lives and can be resurrected, in my experience, when we experience freedom. Freedom is not doing whatever we want whenever we want. That's license and it's unfortunately standing in as an imposter for the real definition of freedom which is to know that which is good and that which is evil and to choose that which is good. To always seek to know the good and then to choose it is to experience true freedom. Only then when we are resting in that which is good are we able to go where hope lives.
I'll tell you my experience of discovering where hope resides. Maybe you've experienced this too. You know that for many years we lived beyond our means financially. We had stable income so we thought getting ahead of that first paycheck (and then a few more) was something from which we could easily recover. (I'm not going to harp on the reasons not to get into debt so you can keep reading.)
But what we didn't realize until we were out of it was how it limited our ability to dream. It limited our power to act in the world in such a discrete way that we didn't realize until we were out of debt and starting to build wealth for the first time in our marriage that we had stopped really dreaming. It wasn't others that came in and scoffed at our desires for the future, we just did it for ourselves because the mountain of obligations we had already made with our spending power made doing anything except paying bills seem impossible. We didn't even try to dream. But dreaming is where hope lives. If we can't dream we can't hope.
What's keeping you from dreaming? What are the desires of your heart? Discover that and you'll find out where hope lives.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Looking Great
I wonder if there are others who struggle with this: You spend weeks working out, eating right, keeping the mindset strong all with great results. You're staying within your 2lb/wk goal. You're on track for the longterm goal set for a year out. You're making mini goals and meeting them. Everything's going your way. Then........someone says the dreaded words you knew were coming............, "You look great!" Then someone else does, and someone else and there you go, suddenly your illusion of being completely invisible is shattered. Now you look great and you don't know what to do with that.
I drew out a timeline, a linear history of my weight gain and struggle therewith and discovered that for the last eighteen years every time I've tried to remove weight and I get to the point where it becomes noticeable, I, in very discrete ways begin to quit. What's in that?
I'm hitting that point now, but this time I'm standing with my eyes wide open entrusting this mystery to the Father who for all eternity has a plan for this very situation. All I have to do is wait for Him to reveal it.
I drew out a timeline, a linear history of my weight gain and struggle therewith and discovered that for the last eighteen years every time I've tried to remove weight and I get to the point where it becomes noticeable, I, in very discrete ways begin to quit. What's in that?
I'm hitting that point now, but this time I'm standing with my eyes wide open entrusting this mystery to the Father who for all eternity has a plan for this very situation. All I have to do is wait for Him to reveal it.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Abundance
We went to Sioux Falls for an overnight getaway this weekend. I've never experienced such a refreshing and enjoyable time. So many times I think we need to go someplace we've never been to really have fun and renew our spirits, but that wasn't the case this time. It was kind of spur of the moment and every single detail was delightful. The kids all helped get us ready to go, they cleaned their rooms, we got good accomodations for Bill etc. and all the activities of the last twenty four hours were enjoyable for each of us. The kids played so hard they all slept the entire way home. And I'm off to take a short nap before Mass.
When I think of the abundance we experienced this weekend, abundance of joy, relaxation, fun, peace, delight etc. I can't help but think that this is only possible because something has changed in my heart. It's not that we have never had experiences similar to this before, it's that I am more able to receive them.
Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints for this grace.
When I think of the abundance we experienced this weekend, abundance of joy, relaxation, fun, peace, delight etc. I can't help but think that this is only possible because something has changed in my heart. It's not that we have never had experiences similar to this before, it's that I am more able to receive them.
Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints for this grace.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
It's About Gaining...
a life.
What is the vision of my life? What do I dream about? What are the desires of my heart?
As long as these questions stump me I will remain as I am.
What is the vision of my life? What do I dream about? What are the desires of my heart?
As long as these questions stump me I will remain as I am.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Taking Resistance to God
I've been reading "Body for Life for Women" and loving it until I hit the food section. Her food plan is based on SMART proteins and SMART carbs etc. and on the page was a chart with an example list of foods that fit the SMART category in all the food groups.
When I saw this these are the comments I started with in my head:
"I knew it would come to this. Weight Watchers wasn't good enough so nwo we have to starve ourselves on these stupid foods."
"I can't live on this list of food for the rest of my life."
"It's totally crazy to expect someone to live on this limited list of foods for life."
Blah, Blah, Blah...you get the picture. Interiorly I was screaming and writhing at the mere suggestion that I follow this.
Then.....I looked at what I ate for breakfast following the original WW plan and found it fit right into the list. And I'm full. I'm satisfied. Have been for three weeks. Even the Chinese takeout I chose last night for supper fit.
So what's the Lord saying to me in all this resistance. "Stay the course, Jackie. Stay the course."
When I saw this these are the comments I started with in my head:
"I knew it would come to this. Weight Watchers wasn't good enough so nwo we have to starve ourselves on these stupid foods."
"I can't live on this list of food for the rest of my life."
"It's totally crazy to expect someone to live on this limited list of foods for life."
Blah, Blah, Blah...you get the picture. Interiorly I was screaming and writhing at the mere suggestion that I follow this.
Then.....I looked at what I ate for breakfast following the original WW plan and found it fit right into the list. And I'm full. I'm satisfied. Have been for three weeks. Even the Chinese takeout I chose last night for supper fit.
So what's the Lord saying to me in all this resistance. "Stay the course, Jackie. Stay the course."
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
A food Journal is like a Checkbook:
You've got to know what's in there or they'll be hell to pay.
"Research showsthat women who keep food journals are the most successful at weight loss (removal) because they learn to be accountable." ~Pamala Peeke, Author Body for Life for Women
"Research showsthat women who keep food journals are the most successful at weight loss (removal) because they learn to be accountable." ~Pamala Peeke, Author Body for Life for Women
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
"I waited too long...
to take action." ~Sidmel Estes-Sumpter, who at 350 lbs underwent gastric bypass surgery.
Dollar Loan Center Food
Certain foods are more expensive than others. Eating a Tendercrisp chicken sandwich, fries and a coke from Burger King (or any fast food) is like going to the Dollar Loan Center for a hundred bucks instead of waiting for payday. It's fast and it's easy, but the price you pay for that kind of food is big. It's so big it can take on a life of it's own.
I've been looking at food and my relationship with it and how it interacts with my body by comparing it to what I know about getting out of debt and living financial freedom. After being in serious debt for many years, Bill and I found that the only way to get out was, you guessed it, to pay it off and not take out any more loans! Pretty simple, huh?
I'm pretty sure that's how you get rid of fat too...pay it off (exercise) and don't take out any more loans (watch what you eat...oooh, the dreaded diet word was almost said!).
There are some loans that just don't make sense. Payday Loan Center loans are one of them. The interest rates are unbelievable and if you don't pay them back on time, they're moving into your spare bedroom until you do. I think some foods can be like that too. At least that's my experience when I look at myself in the mirror after a shower except that these foods didn't move into my spare bedroom, they're taking up residence as rolls on my stomach etc. And they'll be there until I pay them off.
Tom Petty once said, "There's no easy way out." I'm taking him at his word and swearing off Dollar Loan Center Foods just like I'm swearing off debt.
I've been looking at food and my relationship with it and how it interacts with my body by comparing it to what I know about getting out of debt and living financial freedom. After being in serious debt for many years, Bill and I found that the only way to get out was, you guessed it, to pay it off and not take out any more loans! Pretty simple, huh?
I'm pretty sure that's how you get rid of fat too...pay it off (exercise) and don't take out any more loans (watch what you eat...oooh, the dreaded diet word was almost said!).
There are some loans that just don't make sense. Payday Loan Center loans are one of them. The interest rates are unbelievable and if you don't pay them back on time, they're moving into your spare bedroom until you do. I think some foods can be like that too. At least that's my experience when I look at myself in the mirror after a shower except that these foods didn't move into my spare bedroom, they're taking up residence as rolls on my stomach etc. And they'll be there until I pay them off.
Tom Petty once said, "There's no easy way out." I'm taking him at his word and swearing off Dollar Loan Center Foods just like I'm swearing off debt.
"Do not be afraid...
of the time it will take to do something. The time will pass anyway. You might as well spend it doing something worthwhile." ~Author Unknown
Watching Weight
Started becoming aware of a gentle nudging with regard to my eating habits. I've worked really hard for a long time to ignore them. I'll read or watch TV when I'm eating. Listen to the radio. Anything to keep me from hearing the voice that's saying,"Jackie, dear, don't you think that's enough?"
It occurred to me that I stopped 'watching my weight' and paying attention to what I ate back in 1992 when I got out of the Air Force. I've gained seventy pounds as a result in addition to the thirty I was already carrying. So since Bill and I got married I have gained 100lbs. This like putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger in slow motion. At this point, overeating, not exercising and not watching my weight is a form of suicide. "Repent and return to the Gospel!"
The Father says, "I place before you today life and death; the blessing and the curse. Choose life." Choosing life for me today means listening to the voice in my heart that's saying, "Let's stop this madness, shall we?"
I'll keep you posted.
It occurred to me that I stopped 'watching my weight' and paying attention to what I ate back in 1992 when I got out of the Air Force. I've gained seventy pounds as a result in addition to the thirty I was already carrying. So since Bill and I got married I have gained 100lbs. This like putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger in slow motion. At this point, overeating, not exercising and not watching my weight is a form of suicide. "Repent and return to the Gospel!"
The Father says, "I place before you today life and death; the blessing and the curse. Choose life." Choosing life for me today means listening to the voice in my heart that's saying, "Let's stop this madness, shall we?"
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Memory Storage
I read the other day that married couples use eachothers brains to store information. For example: I don't store in my memory anything about how to fix this computer when things go wrong or how to use our ebay account. Bill stores that. When I need it, I go to him. Likewise, he doesn't store any information about where things are in the house. He lets me do that. I'm pretty sure our kids are storing information in my brain too.
The more I think about this sharing memory thing the more I think it's a really bad idea even though it's practically impossible not to do. Before Bill got sick, it wasn't a problem, but now....what a pain! Whenever I need something that I stored there he inevitably can't find it leaving me feeling like I've lost half my brain. And honestly, I probably have!
This brain tumor is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, as awful as I know that that sounds. It's forcing me to think, to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. And basically start acting like the 37 year old adult I am.
I didn't realize until Bill got sick that I was leaning on him for so much. Relying on eachother is good in marriage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is when one person in the marriage is doing the bulk of the work, it can't be good.
As it turns out, this illness has been a great equalizer. For us, it's been stripping Bill, an ultra-responsible, hard working superman of his ability to enable my passivity. Nothing that I can think of could have worked better at ending this destructive cycle. Now that he can't remember or do the things that I once relied so heavily on him to remember and do, I'm finding those things aren't as difficult or impossible as I used to to think they were. It's really a grace, in its own painful kind of way.
The more I think about this sharing memory thing the more I think it's a really bad idea even though it's practically impossible not to do. Before Bill got sick, it wasn't a problem, but now....what a pain! Whenever I need something that I stored there he inevitably can't find it leaving me feeling like I've lost half my brain. And honestly, I probably have!
This brain tumor is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, as awful as I know that that sounds. It's forcing me to think, to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. And basically start acting like the 37 year old adult I am.
I didn't realize until Bill got sick that I was leaning on him for so much. Relying on eachother is good in marriage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is when one person in the marriage is doing the bulk of the work, it can't be good.
As it turns out, this illness has been a great equalizer. For us, it's been stripping Bill, an ultra-responsible, hard working superman of his ability to enable my passivity. Nothing that I can think of could have worked better at ending this destructive cycle. Now that he can't remember or do the things that I once relied so heavily on him to remember and do, I'm finding those things aren't as difficult or impossible as I used to to think they were. It's really a grace, in its own painful kind of way.
Starting Over
I can't access my first Trust Him More blog anymore. Apparently, I was gone so long they decided I wasn't coming back. So I'm starting over. I'm thinking I'm going to use this blog as a companion to the caring bridge website I've set up for Bill. I usually just post stuff about his condition on that site. This site I'll use to post my reflections on what's happening here and other things that might come to mind. May I never tire of starting over.
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