A person whom had just met me and was just coming to a realization of the truth of the suffering in my life asked with a genuine heart one day, "What keeps you from curling up into the fetal position and staying there forever?"
Clearly he was speaking rhetorically, but it's still a bold question for anyone to ask, much more so from a new acquaintance. Though, remarkably, it didn't hit me as such when he asked. I was just numb enough to allow it to float over me. Only later, as I was mentally reviewing the conversation, did it strike me as odd. It got under my skin. It made me think. The Scripture passage "Be prepared to give an account for the hope that is within you," began to circulate interiorly.
Then, ironically, at Mass the next day, Father asked in his homily, "Where do you get the strength you need to live the life you have to live today?"
Yes, precisely where does my strength come from? How is it that I continued to get up everyday, taking care of my five young children and myself, the household, maintaining my relationships all while caring for my 38 year old husband who had been terminally ill with brain cancer for over two years? Why even today doesn't the fetal position occur to me? From where does the hope within me come?
All I can say is, the only thing that keeps me from falling apart is knowing that I am loved infinitely by a God who is so personal, so gracious, so human and real that being aware of his intimate gaze fills my heart with trust to follow him through this dark valley.
In this darkness I cannot see with my eyes what lies ahead, but I see with my heart that he is near. I hear with my soul the beating of his heart in love for me. I can trust him because he first loved me and labors at every second to make this more known to me.
No matter what, in Christ my Beloved, even if I find myself in the fetal position, as long as I am relating with all honesty the contents of my heart, and actively receiving in the silence of prayer, all is well. I will respond to this love with hope, even in the fetal position.
I will praise Him still ~ Psalm 77.
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1 comment:
Jackie,
It is hard to believe it was almost a year ago that you wrote this entry.
I read it for the first time tonight. I don't know why I didn't see it before.
I think what stood out to me in your writing is how strong your relationship with God was before Bill was sick. You were able to get up everyday knowing the God who created you. Knowing Him in such a personal and intimate way - it gave you hope and strength/courage.
What a beautiful testimony because we all know in this life we will have tribulation. The question is... what are we rooted in when it happens?
Love you!
Stella
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