Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Memory Storage
I read the other day that married couples use eachothers brains to store information. For example: I don't store in my memory anything about how to fix this computer when things go wrong or how to use our ebay account. Bill stores that. When I need it, I go to him. Likewise, he doesn't store any information about where things are in the house. He lets me do that. I'm pretty sure our kids are storing information in my brain too.
The more I think about this sharing memory thing the more I think it's a really bad idea even though it's practically impossible not to do. Before Bill got sick, it wasn't a problem, but now....what a pain! Whenever I need something that I stored there he inevitably can't find it leaving me feeling like I've lost half my brain. And honestly, I probably have!
This brain tumor is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, as awful as I know that that sounds. It's forcing me to think, to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. And basically start acting like the 37 year old adult I am.
I didn't realize until Bill got sick that I was leaning on him for so much. Relying on eachother is good in marriage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is when one person in the marriage is doing the bulk of the work, it can't be good.
As it turns out, this illness has been a great equalizer. For us, it's been stripping Bill, an ultra-responsible, hard working superman of his ability to enable my passivity. Nothing that I can think of could have worked better at ending this destructive cycle. Now that he can't remember or do the things that I once relied so heavily on him to remember and do, I'm finding those things aren't as difficult or impossible as I used to to think they were. It's really a grace, in its own painful kind of way.
The more I think about this sharing memory thing the more I think it's a really bad idea even though it's practically impossible not to do. Before Bill got sick, it wasn't a problem, but now....what a pain! Whenever I need something that I stored there he inevitably can't find it leaving me feeling like I've lost half my brain. And honestly, I probably have!
This brain tumor is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, as awful as I know that that sounds. It's forcing me to think, to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. And basically start acting like the 37 year old adult I am.
I didn't realize until Bill got sick that I was leaning on him for so much. Relying on eachother is good in marriage. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is when one person in the marriage is doing the bulk of the work, it can't be good.
As it turns out, this illness has been a great equalizer. For us, it's been stripping Bill, an ultra-responsible, hard working superman of his ability to enable my passivity. Nothing that I can think of could have worked better at ending this destructive cycle. Now that he can't remember or do the things that I once relied so heavily on him to remember and do, I'm finding those things aren't as difficult or impossible as I used to to think they were. It's really a grace, in its own painful kind of way.
Starting Over
I can't access my first Trust Him More blog anymore. Apparently, I was gone so long they decided I wasn't coming back. So I'm starting over. I'm thinking I'm going to use this blog as a companion to the caring bridge website I've set up for Bill. I usually just post stuff about his condition on that site. This site I'll use to post my reflections on what's happening here and other things that might come to mind. May I never tire of starting over.
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