The children and I arrived late at my sister's place in California after a long day of traveling. As the six of us piled into the house with all our suitcases, the kids couldn't pull their jammies out fast enough. As their day clothes went flying, Bobbi and I whipped out the sheets and started making beds. We couldn't get Little Mermaid and Nemo tucked under the mattress before we had a child curling up waiting for a kiss and a blessing.
After the whirlwind died down, I found my own bed and began my mental review of the day, you know the way you do when you're out of your element and time zone. Was there anything I still needed to do before I could go to sleep? As I went through the checklist, in the most automatic and natural way I thought, "I need to call Bill to tell him that we made it ok."
It came out of nowhere. How could I think so naturally to call Bill?! It was as if that part of me was still living in 2004. Really, for a split second, he wasn't gone and I wasn't alone without him to care where and how I was. It was a moment of bliss utterly and mercifully destroyed by the truth.
Bobbi held me as I cried it out and she so beautifully and lovingly said as I held my head in my hands and sobbed, "Jackie, he knows you made it ok...he knows. He's with you." She told the truth. It was the only thing that could have consoled me. He knows.
3 comments:
Jackie,
As I just read your blog, I cried. I thought ... it must have been so natural to think to call him. I am so glad your sister was there for you. I love how our God provides when He knows we will need it.
I have been thinking of you lately and when I concluded my Bible Study yesterday we ended with a Commission of Faith. And I wanted to share it with you.
Here it is:
The Commission to Faith
Lord, today I accept my calling,
not to perfection or performance.
My calling is to faith.
I have been chosen for this generation.
I have a place in the heritage of faith.
I'm going to start believing and receiving.
What your Word says is mine.
I won't let others steal my hope.
I won't argue with a Pharisee.
I will believe and therefore speak,
for you, my God, are huge.
Nothing is too hard for You.
Our world needs your wonders.
Rise up, oh Lord!
Please renew Your works in our day.
I confess the unbelief of my generation and ask You to begin Your revival of faith in my own heart.
For You are who You say You are.
You can do what You say You can do.
I am who You say I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
Your word is alive and active in me.
Satan, hear me clearly:
My Father is Maker of heaven and earth. You are under my feet, because today and the rest of my days,
I'm believing God!
I love and miss you, Stella
dearest Jackie,
this experience is so common in grief. in my grief support every woman has shared a similiar experience. it is so difficult to go through. but, it must be gone through for total healing and acceptance. we are praying for you and for your pain. it is a grace in your life that you trust in him.
Victoria
Very moving...Would love to see something more.
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