Four years ago today, Bill had his first brain surgery. It was the last day of our innocence. The following days brought one seizure after another and an introduction to a glossary of terms we never could have imagined we'd have to master...Anaplastic Astrocytoma? Glio Blastoma? It was, and remains a difficult reality to accept, yet here we are four years later without him for a year an a half already.
We continue to grieve, but these days the memories are less sugar-coated and more honest. Bill was human after all and married to me not the Blessed Virgin. As I pray every day for the grace to grieve the way the Father wants me to that day, he leads me to deep places in the landscape of my heart that yet to resonate with the love of God. There is pain, to be sure, but every step through this rough and dangerous terrain is like watching a black and white image being gradually turned to full color. As I bring the dull and dark places into the light of God's love in prayer, they are being watered by my tears. New life is beginning to grow now in places where only despair lived before.
None of this healing was possible with Bill physically here in my daily life as the comforts of marriage sometimes cover places of deep woundedness with the balm of human intimacy. With that removed, all that remains is my relationship with the Trinitarian Lord. This is a severe mercy, but I give my God loving gratitude for it.
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3 comments:
Jackie--You have been given an awesome gift of the ability to write and share the tender thoughts and feelings of your life as a widow and mother. Your posts bring tears--yet I marvel at your ability to "keep it together," your strength in God, and your everyday faithfulness to Him. Thank God you have friends and family for support. I keep you in my prayers
Jackie,
Your words severe mercy are really powerful. Severe. Mercy. I don't pretend to know at all what you are feeling, but those words are a little glimpse. I'm glad to have found your blog!
-kelly j.
I cannot take credit for "Severe Mercy", Kelly. Sheldon VanAuken wrote a book by that title about his conversion through the love of his life, his wife, Davy. Bill read that book to me many years ago when I was sick with cancer and I've loved it (and the term) ever since.
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