Four years ago today, Bill had his first brain surgery. It was the last day of our innocence. The following days brought one seizure after another and an introduction to a glossary of terms we never could have imagined we'd have to master...Anaplastic Astrocytoma? Glio Blastoma? It was, and remains a difficult reality to accept, yet here we are four years later without him for a year an a half already.
We continue to grieve, but these days the memories are less sugar-coated and more honest. Bill was human after all and married to me not the Blessed Virgin. As I pray every day for the grace to grieve the way the Father wants me to that day, he leads me to deep places in the landscape of my heart that yet to resonate with the love of God. There is pain, to be sure, but every step through this rough and dangerous terrain is like watching a black and white image being gradually turned to full color. As I bring the dull and dark places into the light of God's love in prayer, they are being watered by my tears. New life is beginning to grow now in places where only despair lived before.
None of this healing was possible with Bill physically here in my daily life as the comforts of marriage sometimes cover places of deep woundedness with the balm of human intimacy. With that removed, all that remains is my relationship with the Trinitarian Lord. This is a severe mercy, but I give my God loving gratitude for it.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day
We had a peaceful, beautiful Father's Day today. We spent it remembering Bill in so many different ways. It was as if he was with us. As I did some reading while watching the kids swim at the lake I came across this scripture passage:
"For kindness to a father wil not be forgotten. It will serve as a sin offering...it will take lasting root. In time of tribulation it will be recalled to your advantage. Like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins." ~Sir 3:14-15
Reading it was like Bill giving the children a big thank you letter. I read it to Jake and Hannah later and they were moved to tears. I want to frame it for each of them so they never forget the way God values every little thing they did to help their dad when he was sick. Not one cup of water or fingernail clipping is going to be forgotten. Glory be to God.
At Mass, Fr. Bain talked about how fathers are like Apostles called to lead their families into lives of holiness, to invite, challenge and encourage us to become the people God created us to be. I firmly believe Bill continues to lead us from his place with God. Days like today prove it.
"For kindness to a father wil not be forgotten. It will serve as a sin offering...it will take lasting root. In time of tribulation it will be recalled to your advantage. Like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins." ~Sir 3:14-15
Reading it was like Bill giving the children a big thank you letter. I read it to Jake and Hannah later and they were moved to tears. I want to frame it for each of them so they never forget the way God values every little thing they did to help their dad when he was sick. Not one cup of water or fingernail clipping is going to be forgotten. Glory be to God.
At Mass, Fr. Bain talked about how fathers are like Apostles called to lead their families into lives of holiness, to invite, challenge and encourage us to become the people God created us to be. I firmly believe Bill continues to lead us from his place with God. Days like today prove it.
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